I have to leave Haiti today. And I have peace that it is the right time to go, but I just don't want to. I feel so many things. Overwhelmingly thankful that just a year ago, God introduced me to this family and has let me be part of an incredible journey. So sad to leave Lori and Anna and all the kiddos in the RC. Guilty for leaving when there are more needs than ever. There are things I love so much about my life in the States right now, and there are things I need to get back to, but I just want to have both. And that is not a reality.
The transition is never easy and I will ask you to pray for me in the next few weeks. In light of all that I experienced on this trip that was different, I think going back is going to be harder. Everyday here, almost every hour it seems, someone tells me their story, of all the misery in their life and I bear that for just a few moments. I grieve that they have not eaten in a week, I grieve for their 8 children that have died, and their home that fell in on them, I grieve for the child who can not fight for himself. I pray for empathy and ask God to let me see a glimpse of what it's like to live their life. It weighs heavy for just a few minutes and then I have to block it out. I have to throw it off and ask God to help me move on to the next. But I don't forget. Their faces have stayed with me and at some point I remember. I am not a psychologist and I am sure you can tell me all of the things wrong with this, but this is how I deal with it.
I love this broken, messed up place full of broken, messed up people so much. I feel like I fit right in.
The other day, Lori and I were talking with some of the Air Force guys and one of them said, "The first day I came out here, I thought you were all high, that you were all crazy to do this. Then the second day, I realized you were just trying to make a little scratch on the surface, a small dent here." Lori said, "Someone has to look at the big picture, at all the needs, but it can't be me. If I can just make this place run, if I can just care for a few (and by few, she means 500) people everyday, it's worth it."
Oh if someday, I could leave a dent.
And buy a one way ticket :)
5 comments:
Oh, Caroline,
I thank you for sharing, for going, for being. I wish I could walk your path and help you make that dent. God bless you. My prayers and thoughts are with you.
Thanks for the insight. It helps us understand. Will be praying for Lory and Anna in your abscence. And for your sweet little, I mean big, heart. Love you.
Oh Caroline...you did leave a dent. I know you don't know me, but I know you through your blog, and you are a beautiful young lady and you are going to leave a LOT of dents in the coming years! Thank you for sharing and for helping out RHFH. You are precious. I will pray for you!
~Amy in WI
Praying for your heart as you leave the place you love so much and for all those future dents that you will continue to leave in Haiti!
Roberta
it would be my distinct pleasure to buy you that one way ticket.~casey
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